Without a Net

I've hired a new assistant, Sonia.  So far, she's really great -- picks up on things quickly, understands what the therapists are teaching her, and doesn't make me fear for my life each time I get into the van.  We made it to therapy all three days this week.  

I realized something on Tuesday, as Cara was transferring me from my chair to the standing frame and Sonia watched with a rather concerned look on her face.  Hanging from the ceiling in the Goldman lift*, watching the floor pass by several inches below my dangling feet, I suddenly realized that this was the first time I'd ever been out of my chair without a safety net.  By safety net I mean someone with whom I felt secure, someone who could get me back into my chair unharmed and straighten me out so I'm sitting properly.

Getting me situated in my chair is much more difficult than you might think, particularly with the deplorably scoliotic state of my back.  We need to make sure my hips are even (not sitting too far to one side or the other), and that I'm pushed all the way back in the seat.  Then, we need to align my trunk, which involves a shifting around of ribcage, realignment of spine, rotation of shoulders.  It looks terribly uncomfortable, but it really isn't.  Cathy has this process down to a science, and Rich has elevated it to an art form. 

Though Cathy and Rich are both very adept at correcting my posture, they are about the only people who are.  It’s not something I can easily direct someone how to do; it’s more one of those things that needs to be demonstrated.  This being the case, I don’t go anywhere that I need to get out of my chair without one of them in tow.  Consequently, I don’t get out of my chair during the day, which is why it was hard for me to get used to doing so when I started therapy.

So, hanging from the ceiling, watching the floor pass beneath my dangling feet, I suddenly realized that I was out of the safety of my chair, and had no foreseeable means of getting back in and situated properly, and nearly had a panic attack.  I was on my own – a concept which, to me, is utterly terrifying.

Although this therapy program is intended to reawaken dormant connections in my body, it has done much the same for my mind.  Being put into a variety of situations that I have not been in (whether due to lack of opportunity, or my intentionally avoiding them) for quite some time has forced me to confront fears, change perspectives, and shed the complacency I’ve built up.  Sometimes, it’s more difficult to contend with than the physical aspect. But, I believe it is part of the healing.

*still trying to find a good image of the Goldman lift.  Will update when I find one.